14 weeks ago

My 6 week Ultra Sound. Look at that beautiful baby. I know its a little blurry (and sideways), I took a picture of the picture they gave me with my camera phone.

Irony

Went to my PGS 222 class today. We got to see a video. Guess what it was about. Childbirth. Fantastic. All my classmates were so disgusted. I wanted to yell at them. I wanted to shout, "At least these women are able to take their babies home, feed them, change them!" I know they did not mean harm, but damn that's ironic.

Back to school

Today is the first day back to classes since learning my news. I've talked to all my teachers, they are all aware. However, the first thing the people that know me in class ask, "How's Baby doing?" and its going to hurt so bad to tell them, "Well, actually..."

Its going to be the longest 6 hours of my life.

I've stopped paying attention to feeling for movement. Not that I've lost faith, but I've talked to my baby. I told him its OK to let go. Adam and I think that he was still holding on as long as he did just so Adam and I can learn what was happening.

I went to my OB yesterday to drop off Adam's FMLA paperwork. I sooo wanted them to check the heartbeat right then and there. But they didn't check. So now I still wait until Friday...the longest week ever.

The background

Back in July of this year, I had a funny feeling. Not a physical one. But one of those "intuitions" your mother gets when you're up to something. The next day, I took a pregnancy test, and found it to be positive. One of the best surprises of my life, hands down. Giddy with excitement, I waited for Adam to come home to share with him the news. He, also, was surprised, but was happy. That night I left a message for my OB/GYN to schedule an appointment to confirm the pregnancy. I couldn't wait.

The next day I went in, and of course, I was indeed pregnant! My due date was set at March 19, 2008. I thought to myself, how funny, its my brother's birthday.

The first trimester went on smoothly. I shared my news with everyone I knew, and even people I didn't know. Each week I'd read about what was developing with my baby. His ears, his fingernails, his sucking reflex. I decided to be surprised about the sex, so we just say he for wishful thinking. Every day someone asked me how the pregnancy is going, and I would tell them how great it is.

Upon entering my 19th week, I went to the lab to get my blood testing done. A few days later, I received a call from my OB. I couldn't quite remember the exact details, something about low AFP and possible risk for Downs Syndrome. He recommended a Level 2 ultrasound. I was reassured by many mothers that they too had low AFPs and their children turned out fine. relieved, I went to my ultrasound the next day with Adam.

As soon at the technician turned on the screen, her smile faded. "This isn't good." she says. She noticed the left kidney wasn't working and couldn't find a bladder. As she's apologizing over and over (its not like it was her fault), I lay on the chair, squeezing Adam's hand and watching him brush away a tear.

When the doctor came in, he explained that because the left kidney isn't working and there is probably no bladder, that there is virtually no Amniotic Fluid around the baby. He mentioned fluid build up around organs, which suggests heart failure.

This was totally unexpected. I was ready to have a child with Downs, but I was not ready to let go of my child so soon. Before I could hear them cry, laugh, look at me. A lot of people tell me that at least its happening before I give birth, and I can't really compare, because this is my first, but all you moms out there will agree, there is a special bonding that happens as soon as you know there is a special people growing inside of you. I would think that this is just as painful. Parents should never have to say goodbye to their children this way.

Our choice is to let the heartbeat stop on its own. We will listen for it every Friday. After that, I will be induced and deliver.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever done. Usually, after you deliver, you get to take your child home to their nursery, and watch them grow. And I can't.

This blog is meant for my therapy, and for all who are supportive to get a chance to be a part of this process of healing. I know we all were looking forward to this special child's big debut, and I know it hurts you all to have to hear this too.