Aryn's due date is 2 weeks away...

Its unreal to think how big I should be right now. How I should have already felt the first kicks, decorated the nursery, and had a baby shower. But the anticipation to this due date will not be accompanied by any of those. No no, it will rather be a day where I can't stand to hear a baby cry. I secretly hate every pregnant woman I see. Adam and I plan to try again in a year...it seems so far away. My mother should be here right now, telling me that it was for the best. But no, she is a few miles from my house next to a married couple who passed away 10 years apart. She's down the row from Steve Kraft, who was killed right by my house on his way to work. Why does everyone else's family get through the hard times with those people surviving in the end? Why did my baby have to die? Why did my mother die 10 days later? Why can't I stop thinking about how when I was in the hospital having my baby that I regret not holding my dear Aryn? Why can't I stop thinking about the week my mom was in the ICU? The breathing tubes, the fluid in her lungs, the blessing of my mother at least opening her eyes for me twice before she died.

My baby doesnt get to walk, talk, have a life. Instead he sits on a shelf in my room.

Through this, and after talking to my doctors, we've decided for me to take anti=depressants and sleeping pills for the next few months. Why does everything think its weird that I'm still on the medication in March? Its been only 4 months since my life changed forever! I'd like to meet anyone else who had to deliver a still born one day, take her mother to the hospital with pneumonia 3 days later, have your own baby's funeral 3 days after that, say goodbye to your mom forever 4 days later, and have your mother's funeral a week later. Not many people have gone through this, yet they feel obligated to tell me to get off the meds. Why am I supposed to be happy? Why can't I have a bad day? Why when I find maybe one person that might be able to relate to me am I told that it would probably be best to not talk to this woman about failed pregnancies? Dont you think the one who actually went through the same thing as her would know what to say? I feel like no one wants to hear about Aryn or my mom anymore. Not even my husband.

Now here I am, working like a dog, 9 classes away from graduating, yet still not in school, and feeling more lonely than ever before. When I cry, I can't stop. If this is what I'm feeling March 1, how the hell will I feel on Aryn's due date? Better yet, how will I feel on Mother's Day, as a daughter without a mother and a mother without a child?